Quitting caffeine didn't just change my mornings. It slowed my clock down.
Shower. Big cup of dark. A little butter, a little vanilla. Every morning like a champion.
Then lunch. Nine times out of ten, Starbucks. Venti green tea, light ice, no water.
That was my daily. I never thought about it. That's the point.
Three weeks ago I stopped. All of it. No stimulants.
I did add a taurine supplement and L-theanine as a relaxer. And decaf tea.
The first week doesn't really count. I was sick with something unrelated, so I couldn't tell much.
But week two? That's where it turned.
I swapped the coffee for a full glass of lemon water, same spot, right out of the shower. Same moment. Different cup.
And then I noticed my heartbeat. In the morning I could actually feel it. A little faster getting out of bed, slowing down by the time I hit the stairs. I'd never noticed that before. Never had the room to.
Then the big one. Time slowed down.
Not in a lazy way. In a clear way. I started making decisions on purpose. My Amazon orders dropped. My impulsivity dropped. I started noticing my friends, my family, the room I was standing in.
Here's what I figured out. On coffee, everything was happening one thing after another. I was reacting all day. Not choosing. Reacting.
Now the uncomfortable part.
I used it as a hiding place. I just didn't realize it.
I was in freaking go mode all day long. Not wild. Not jittery. Just a slight alteration of my normal. But it was an added go mode, layered on top of everything else.
And if you're always moving, you never have to sit still with yourself. I didn't. For years.
So what fills the space now?
Journaling with breakfast. Easy, not forced. My Bible time is focused. I'm seeing more in the text because my mind isn't racing. I'm appreciating every moment. Even the slow ones. Especially the slow ones.
Psalm 46 says Harpu u-d'u ki anokhi Elohim.
We usually hear "be still." But harpu means let drop. Let your hands go slack. Release the grip.
And the context is war. Nations raging, kingdoms shaking, and God breaking the bow and burning the chariots. It's a command to stand down.
Then u-d'u. Know. Not head knowledge. Knowing by contact.
The order matters. Drop it first.
My coffee wasn't a weapon. But it was the grip.
I'm letting go, and I'm seeing time.
